Wide awake...

It's 2:20AM and I am still wide awake. Must have been the coffee I had this evening while wrapping up a conversation with a friend, must have also been the cold shower I took just before hitting the bed, but I think that there is one major culprit for this stolen sleep -- it's that thought again of wanting to break free from a bad habit.

I am glad that a few - if none at all - read my blogs. I feel a sense of freedom to just write about anything here. Thoughts that I have been wanting to read aloud but never intended to be listened to by anyone. It is that place where I can just spend a few minutes trying to get my mind and hands busy while hoping for sleep to catch up on me.. at least before I end this entry. Just to speak of maybe nonsense, just to write about nothing significant, just so... just so.. I can get my mind off thoughts that will only bring a sense of defeat.

I don't want to sound like a real loser because I am not. I know that I have overcome a lot of those habits already, I know that I have decided to really move on, I know that I have committed fully to God's sovereign will. And I know that most of the time I walk on higher grounds... but times come when I find myself in those familiar crevices, knowing that I might find things there that will cause me to think of thoughts I shouldn't be thinking, & feel emotions I shouldn't be feeling, & yes even loose precious sleep over them.

When moments like this come only one person calms my heart, only one act brings me peace. I wonder what a sad life it will be for me if Christ is not at the center of it, if prayer is not powerful for me. I open God's word and I know He is right there to uplift me, to encourage me, to remind me... that I am a work in progress. That the things that matter to me, matter to Him because I matter to Him. That no matter how many times I come back to those crevices, He will not get tired getting me back on higher ground. That He will listen no matter how many times I repeat myself. That I can count on Him to be always be there for me -- even when the going gets even tougher. Not only is He showing me this through some unexplainable grace, but He uses people -- people who are even the least that I expect to come through for me but yes they do. They are God's vessels of love, acceptance and blessings.

Things can only get better, life can only get more beautiful. I am a clay in my Potter's hands. No matter how many times I get pounded on, how many more swirling I need to go through, and how much more heat I need to take -- my Potter can only be doing a masterpiece out of this episode in my life. God is indeed a faithful God and blessed are indeed those who wait upon Him for help.

3:07... my dearest Father, let me fall asleep in your loving arms now..

Simple Abundance: I finished some work tonight because well...I cannot sleep, I am now more prepared for tom's load then.